Happiness

My boyfriend just asked me if I was okay to which I responded yeah I'm okay. I promised I wasn't lying and I wasn't.
I promised I wasn't because currently I'm flaring up with my knee. It's very swollen and very painful, so why am I okay when I am in a lot of pain, and I really am both okay and in a lot of pain.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last day or two because really it makes no sense. I won't lie there have been moments when I've been very angry and frustrated with it all but generally speaking I've been unnaturally happy, much happier than I probably should be, considering the pain I'm in. So why? Why am I so unbelievably happy?
The simple answer is my boyfriend.
He makes me happier than I could ever say or attempt to explain. He has literally changed my life. I was in this horrible rut, doing the same mundane things day in day out going along hating my job feeling really lost having just finished my degree, I was stuck.
He has somehow brought me out of a darkness that I didn't even know I was in, he's smashed my walls and changed me. The affect that another can have on your life is completely understated, it's amazing. I love him so much, he's got no idea how much or how much he means to me.
Despite the amount of pain I'm in right now I am happy.

Insecurities

I was thinking earlier about insecurities, those little things about yourself you don't like, be it about your appearance or a trait. What I find fascinating is what you personally notice and what other people notice. What I fixate about and truly hate other people haven't even noticed. It's so easy to go around day to day stuck in your own head, picking at every single thing you hate or worry about it. When you think about it logically it's absolutely ridiculous, considering other people don't care/notice the same things. It's interesting considering that nearly everyone has something that they'd change about themselves, how many other people actually even take notice of that same thing?

Loneliness

I was just laying in bed watching a film which isn't exactly something strange for me but I started thinking about loneliness. Not long ago I got into a pretty amazing relationship, which is why loneliness as an emotion popped into mind. Now two/three months ago when watching a film like this I'd of felt extremely lonely. I wouldn't say that I'm lonely at all, I'd say I was really happy, happy and in love. Now my question is this, does loneliness ever really go or does the emotion just change to longing and missing someone? Are we all just missing someone, whether it be someone in particular or not? I definitely miss him right now especially in that romantic moment of that film. It previously would of been loneliness but now I feel a different emotion, but is it the same emotion.

Feisty, stubborn and strong willed

I was just called feisty, stubborn and strong willed. I wasn't sure whether to be thankful or pissed as hell. I'm definitely stubborn, I've been stubborn for as long as I can remember. Strong willed is something that I don't think I've ever been called. It's also something that I'm not sure how I feel about being called. It has it's merits I guess, doing something even if it's not the most advised thing sometimes it has amazing results and risks are occasionally great to take. However the majority of the time it's a bluddy horrific thing to do and it bites you on the ass.
Then it comes to feisty, now my interpretation on the word is someone with a bit of bite, not afraid to speak their mind, it can also mean determined or courageous. I again guess that I can be feisty, I'm certainly not afraid to speak my mind (in the correct situations of course, I'm not telling every other person to fuck off). I'm pretty determined but that I'm sure just comes down to being stubborn. I'd never thought of myself as being feisty, sassy yes definitely sassy I'm cheeky as hell but never feisty. The reason I say this is that I'd of never been described as stubborn, strong willed and feisty 6/7 years ago. There are two things that happened to me around that time, I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis at the age of 16 which turned my world upside down but I also broke up with my kinda long term boyfriend (I say kinda because I was 16/17). He has recently appeared back in my life and maybe that is what is making me question such things but I don't know at what point I started being these things. Did I become feisty because I was heart broken and started having a bit of a bite to me or was it because of my diagnosis. Did I become more stubborn because I had to be to get anything done due to the pain or was it because he hurt me and I became that way to not get hurt again. Did I become strong willed because my trust was broken and I followed peoples advice or was if because I had to take risks every day with even getting out of bed.
I know that I will never be able to pin point when I started becoming these three things but tonight when I couldn't sleep it started to play on my mind, especially as I previously mentioned I am now talking to my ex again.
Edit- I just found this in my drafts, I wrote it a couple of months ago and I'm not sure why I didn't post it so here you have it.

Shared viewing experience

Tonight while watching tele with my parents it dawned on me just how important shared viewing experiences are. Every Sunday me and my parents gather together and watch Strictly Come Dancing from Saturday night before the results show. We all sit there getting frustrated when our favourite dancers don't do as well as we want, or don't get the marks we want. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don't but what it does mean is we all sit there passionately watching and usually having some kind of debate about why one is better than another. I look forward to these Sunday viewings more than you can imagine, because it is something that we share together. Silly programmes that we can have such different views on, debate but enjoy so immensely, help us grow and bond as a family. These shared viewing experiences are important, yesterday we watched the new Hunger Games, today we've discussed it multiple times, the bits we liked, loathed, loved and disliked. Watching films and programmes together is so much more than sitting in front of the television; its about having an inside joke from a film or an opinion about the story line to discuss later.

Gabapentin

I have been from drug to drug since I was first diagnosed with arthritis. I either had bad side effects or it literally did nothing. In August I had completely given up, I could hardly walk I had to use crutches a lot, I had basically given up. I was so fed up, I went back to the hospital with very little hope that they could do anything especially as I knew there was little left to try at the age of 22. One of the people that has been there for the entire of my arthritis journey suggested gabapentin. I didn't hold much hope knowing everything else hadn't worked, I was so willing to try anything at that point though! The initial side effects were pretty nasty, I was very dizzy often, light headed and sick but it was worth every second of hell for the result I got. I've been running up the stairs for the first time in six years, I walked up a massive steep hill that had beaten me many times. I'm nearly a normal 22 year old which is just crazy, I never thought it would happen. I went through so real shit to get where I am now, it wasn't easy but I've come out the other end and now I can say this is the best I've been in six years.

Idiot

I just dropped a massive 1 litre capacity jar on my foot and it was full! I nearly broke my bluddy foot! Thankfully I think it is just heavily bruised but it still hurts like hell!!!