Life

I feel like it's important sometimes to write down what is going on in your life, to have a memento of that time to look back on in the future. I wrote some things down a little while ago on paper and felt like writing again now but unfortunately I don't have my book with me so typing it is.
My life has drastically changed in the last year but especially in the last three months. I've met someone that has made a gigantic impact on my life, it would be easy to go on with life and not recognise that it's changed my world. I was going on with my life, I was stuck in my mundane routine, each week doing something very similar. I was happy don't get me wrong, I did and do hate my job but I was happy. Then he stumbled into my life, the both of us completely unaware of the impact he was about to have. He has flipped my world upside down and I am sure that he has no idea just how much he has done.
He is the most supportive, caring and loving person I think I've ever met. When I'm in pain he's there to carry me down the three steps in my garden or just lay with me until I'm suffering less. When I'm sad or angry he's there to listen to me and then cheer me up. When I'm being a little crazy and hyper he's there being just as crazy and hyper with me. He can do the smallest thing and I'm smiling ear to ear.
It's been a mental couple of months he's not been in my life for long but boy am I excited for what's to come, I'm not sure I've ever loved someone like I love him. He's quite simply amazing and I'm unbelievably happy that he's in my life.

My week

I've had a somewhat crazy ass week. On Monday the 25th April I had a Rheumatology appointment, it was with someone I've never seen before as my consultant is on maternity leave. We sat down did the usual appointment chat about how much pain I'm in and where, when he said that he doesn't think the pain I'm in is arthritis. I don't think this sunk in until Thursday to the honest. Dr Khan said that he thinks I suffer with chronic pain, he wasn't willing to narrow it down more than that. He also said that he thinks the reason I suffer so much with my left knee, is because of the torn cartilage I had seven odd years ago. My knee was actually a little painful on Monday and swollen so he was able to see it slightly inflamed. We agreed to do ultrasounds on my elbows and then go back in 12 weeks, following that we'd look at getting another MRI done. Dr Khan was actually really lovely he said that if we needed to come back sooner than 12 weeks we could, if we need anything at all we just needed to ring the helpline.
On Thursday I rang the helpline. Throughout the week my knee had just got bigger and bigger and more and more painful. By Thursday I knew it had to be drained, this fluid was not going anywhere by itself. I got a call back from the answer phone message I'd left, the call consisted of we can't/won't help you as it may not be arthritis.
I've been under the care of them at the Rheumatology department for around 6 years. How after 6 years can I be left and what feels like chucked to the kerb. After 6 years of them potentially having my diagnosis wrong and them pumping me with all sorts of horrific drugs, I've just been cast aside.
It's now Monday the 2nd of May surprise surprise the swelling has not gone down by itself and my knee is still the side of my head. All week I've been in agony, all week I've been on crutches, all week I've not been able to do simple things like shower or make myself tea. Today my family are at the zoo but I'll stay at home, yesterday my family went to the beach but I stayed at home, Thursday I was meant to go to work but I stayed at home.
This has been exhausting, I went sixteen years of my life believing my body was healthy, I then went the last six years dealing with the fact that I have arthritis to now potentially not having having it at all. Forgetting my maybe misdiagnosis not being able to walk bluddy exhausting both mentally and physically.

Happiness

My boyfriend just asked me if I was okay to which I responded yeah I'm okay. I promised I wasn't lying and I wasn't.
I promised I wasn't because currently I'm flaring up with my knee. It's very swollen and very painful, so why am I okay when I am in a lot of pain, and I really am both okay and in a lot of pain.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last day or two because really it makes no sense. I won't lie there have been moments when I've been very angry and frustrated with it all but generally speaking I've been unnaturally happy, much happier than I probably should be, considering the pain I'm in. So why? Why am I so unbelievably happy?
The simple answer is my boyfriend.
He makes me happier than I could ever say or attempt to explain. He has literally changed my life. I was in this horrible rut, doing the same mundane things day in day out going along hating my job feeling really lost having just finished my degree, I was stuck.
He has somehow brought me out of a darkness that I didn't even know I was in, he's smashed my walls and changed me. The affect that another can have on your life is completely understated, it's amazing. I love him so much, he's got no idea how much or how much he means to me.
Despite the amount of pain I'm in right now I am happy.

Feisty, stubborn and strong willed

I was just called feisty, stubborn and strong willed. I wasn't sure whether to be thankful or pissed as hell. I'm definitely stubborn, I've been stubborn for as long as I can remember. Strong willed is something that I don't think I've ever been called. It's also something that I'm not sure how I feel about being called. It has it's merits I guess, doing something even if it's not the most advised thing sometimes it has amazing results and risks are occasionally great to take. However the majority of the time it's a bluddy horrific thing to do and it bites you on the ass.
Then it comes to feisty, now my interpretation on the word is someone with a bit of bite, not afraid to speak their mind, it can also mean determined or courageous. I again guess that I can be feisty, I'm certainly not afraid to speak my mind (in the correct situations of course, I'm not telling every other person to fuck off). I'm pretty determined but that I'm sure just comes down to being stubborn. I'd never thought of myself as being feisty, sassy yes definitely sassy I'm cheeky as hell but never feisty. The reason I say this is that I'd of never been described as stubborn, strong willed and feisty 6/7 years ago. There are two things that happened to me around that time, I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis at the age of 16 which turned my world upside down but I also broke up with my kinda long term boyfriend (I say kinda because I was 16/17). He has recently appeared back in my life and maybe that is what is making me question such things but I don't know at what point I started being these things. Did I become feisty because I was heart broken and started having a bit of a bite to me or was it because of my diagnosis. Did I become more stubborn because I had to be to get anything done due to the pain or was it because he hurt me and I became that way to not get hurt again. Did I become strong willed because my trust was broken and I followed peoples advice or was if because I had to take risks every day with even getting out of bed.
I know that I will never be able to pin point when I started becoming these three things but tonight when I couldn't sleep it started to play on my mind, especially as I previously mentioned I am now talking to my ex again.
Edit- I just found this in my drafts, I wrote it a couple of months ago and I'm not sure why I didn't post it so here you have it.

Gabapentin

I have been from drug to drug since I was first diagnosed with arthritis. I either had bad side effects or it literally did nothing. In August I had completely given up, I could hardly walk I had to use crutches a lot, I had basically given up. I was so fed up, I went back to the hospital with very little hope that they could do anything especially as I knew there was little left to try at the age of 22. One of the people that has been there for the entire of my arthritis journey suggested gabapentin. I didn't hold much hope knowing everything else hadn't worked, I was so willing to try anything at that point though! The initial side effects were pretty nasty, I was very dizzy often, light headed and sick but it was worth every second of hell for the result I got. I've been running up the stairs for the first time in six years, I walked up a massive steep hill that had beaten me many times. I'm nearly a normal 22 year old which is just crazy, I never thought it would happen. I went through so real shit to get where I am now, it wasn't easy but I've come out the other end and now I can say this is the best I've been in six years.