Fighting

Sometimes recently everything gets a little dark, I manage to get myself a little trapped and stuck in this pit. Whenever I catch myself in this state I always try and claw my way out not wanting to be surrounded by darkness or infringe my mood on to others, sometimes this is much easier said then done. Recently everything has been a little crappy but that's not actually completely true because as I've spoken about many a times, I have an awesome man by my side. He is super supportive but sometimes that's almost worse because then I just get stuck feeling like I don't deserve him, which I definitely do not. Right now I'm stuck, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself, I'm down and I'm fed up with it all. I'm struggling to claw my way out, I literally want to cry and go to bed with a film. There is no real reason that I should feel this way, I know it's ridiculous. I'm exhausted, I'm in pain and I'm very tired of fighting.

My week

I've had a somewhat crazy ass week. On Monday the 25th April I had a Rheumatology appointment, it was with someone I've never seen before as my consultant is on maternity leave. We sat down did the usual appointment chat about how much pain I'm in and where, when he said that he doesn't think the pain I'm in is arthritis. I don't think this sunk in until Thursday to the honest. Dr Khan said that he thinks I suffer with chronic pain, he wasn't willing to narrow it down more than that. He also said that he thinks the reason I suffer so much with my left knee, is because of the torn cartilage I had seven odd years ago. My knee was actually a little painful on Monday and swollen so he was able to see it slightly inflamed. We agreed to do ultrasounds on my elbows and then go back in 12 weeks, following that we'd look at getting another MRI done. Dr Khan was actually really lovely he said that if we needed to come back sooner than 12 weeks we could, if we need anything at all we just needed to ring the helpline.
On Thursday I rang the helpline. Throughout the week my knee had just got bigger and bigger and more and more painful. By Thursday I knew it had to be drained, this fluid was not going anywhere by itself. I got a call back from the answer phone message I'd left, the call consisted of we can't/won't help you as it may not be arthritis.
I've been under the care of them at the Rheumatology department for around 6 years. How after 6 years can I be left and what feels like chucked to the kerb. After 6 years of them potentially having my diagnosis wrong and them pumping me with all sorts of horrific drugs, I've just been cast aside.
It's now Monday the 2nd of May surprise surprise the swelling has not gone down by itself and my knee is still the side of my head. All week I've been in agony, all week I've been on crutches, all week I've not been able to do simple things like shower or make myself tea. Today my family are at the zoo but I'll stay at home, yesterday my family went to the beach but I stayed at home, Thursday I was meant to go to work but I stayed at home.
This has been exhausting, I went sixteen years of my life believing my body was healthy, I then went the last six years dealing with the fact that I have arthritis to now potentially not having having it at all. Forgetting my maybe misdiagnosis not being able to walk bluddy exhausting both mentally and physically.

Happiness

My boyfriend just asked me if I was okay to which I responded yeah I'm okay. I promised I wasn't lying and I wasn't.
I promised I wasn't because currently I'm flaring up with my knee. It's very swollen and very painful, so why am I okay when I am in a lot of pain, and I really am both okay and in a lot of pain.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last day or two because really it makes no sense. I won't lie there have been moments when I've been very angry and frustrated with it all but generally speaking I've been unnaturally happy, much happier than I probably should be, considering the pain I'm in. So why? Why am I so unbelievably happy?
The simple answer is my boyfriend.
He makes me happier than I could ever say or attempt to explain. He has literally changed my life. I was in this horrible rut, doing the same mundane things day in day out going along hating my job feeling really lost having just finished my degree, I was stuck.
He has somehow brought me out of a darkness that I didn't even know I was in, he's smashed my walls and changed me. The affect that another can have on your life is completely understated, it's amazing. I love him so much, he's got no idea how much or how much he means to me.
Despite the amount of pain I'm in right now I am happy.

Gabapentin

I have been from drug to drug since I was first diagnosed with arthritis. I either had bad side effects or it literally did nothing. In August I had completely given up, I could hardly walk I had to use crutches a lot, I had basically given up. I was so fed up, I went back to the hospital with very little hope that they could do anything especially as I knew there was little left to try at the age of 22. One of the people that has been there for the entire of my arthritis journey suggested gabapentin. I didn't hold much hope knowing everything else hadn't worked, I was so willing to try anything at that point though! The initial side effects were pretty nasty, I was very dizzy often, light headed and sick but it was worth every second of hell for the result I got. I've been running up the stairs for the first time in six years, I walked up a massive steep hill that had beaten me many times. I'm nearly a normal 22 year old which is just crazy, I never thought it would happen. I went through so real shit to get where I am now, it wasn't easy but I've come out the other end and now I can say this is the best I've been in six years.