Fighting

Sometimes recently everything gets a little dark, I manage to get myself a little trapped and stuck in this pit. Whenever I catch myself in this state I always try and claw my way out not wanting to be surrounded by darkness or infringe my mood on to others, sometimes this is much easier said then done. Recently everything has been a little crappy but that's not actually completely true because as I've spoken about many a times, I have an awesome man by my side. He is super supportive but sometimes that's almost worse because then I just get stuck feeling like I don't deserve him, which I definitely do not. Right now I'm stuck, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself, I'm down and I'm fed up with it all. I'm struggling to claw my way out, I literally want to cry and go to bed with a film. There is no real reason that I should feel this way, I know it's ridiculous. I'm exhausted, I'm in pain and I'm very tired of fighting.

Doing something you love

I am in this state of tranquility and contentment. I'm in the cinema with my family and the man I love doing and seeing something I love and he is loving it too and I can't find the words to say just how happy this makes me. I'm in freakin agony yet I'm sitting here with the corners of my mouth meeting my eyes. I am so immensely happy right now and it makes no sense but I think that's partly why it's so amazing. I love him and I love this.

Overwhelming

Sometimes I find my relationship really overwhelming. I have all these feelings for him that I struggle to make sense of. Five months ago my walls were so high I could hardly see over them anymore, I liked it that way, I was so content with it, going by day by day not getting hurt because I wasn't letting anyone in. It's why him and us is such a big adjustment for me, he's taken everything I lived with/by for quite some time and has thrown it all away. I was very alone and I was I thought very okay with that. He's smashed down my walls quicker than I ever knew possible. Don't get me wrong I still struggle to verbalise how I'm feeling sometimes in terms of the "mushy" stuff but for the most part my walls are long gone. This leads me back to sometimes being so completely overwhelmed. I love him so intensely and the meaning of the word in this sense had been lost on me for quite some time. Now that I do love him and love him so immensely I sometimes don't even know what to do with it. Especially as I do love him so intensely after such a short period of time of just a few months. How can I be talking about having children with someone that I've known for what really is such a short while? It baffles me, I can't make sense of it and I know that I probably never will, yet I want to

Life

I feel like it's important sometimes to write down what is going on in your life, to have a memento of that time to look back on in the future. I wrote some things down a little while ago on paper and felt like writing again now but unfortunately I don't have my book with me so typing it is.
My life has drastically changed in the last year but especially in the last three months. I've met someone that has made a gigantic impact on my life, it would be easy to go on with life and not recognise that it's changed my world. I was going on with my life, I was stuck in my mundane routine, each week doing something very similar. I was happy don't get me wrong, I did and do hate my job but I was happy. Then he stumbled into my life, the both of us completely unaware of the impact he was about to have. He has flipped my world upside down and I am sure that he has no idea just how much he has done.
He is the most supportive, caring and loving person I think I've ever met. When I'm in pain he's there to carry me down the three steps in my garden or just lay with me until I'm suffering less. When I'm sad or angry he's there to listen to me and then cheer me up. When I'm being a little crazy and hyper he's there being just as crazy and hyper with me. He can do the smallest thing and I'm smiling ear to ear.
It's been a mental couple of months he's not been in my life for long but boy am I excited for what's to come, I'm not sure I've ever loved someone like I love him. He's quite simply amazing and I'm unbelievably happy that he's in my life.

My week

I've had a somewhat crazy ass week. On Monday the 25th April I had a Rheumatology appointment, it was with someone I've never seen before as my consultant is on maternity leave. We sat down did the usual appointment chat about how much pain I'm in and where, when he said that he doesn't think the pain I'm in is arthritis. I don't think this sunk in until Thursday to the honest. Dr Khan said that he thinks I suffer with chronic pain, he wasn't willing to narrow it down more than that. He also said that he thinks the reason I suffer so much with my left knee, is because of the torn cartilage I had seven odd years ago. My knee was actually a little painful on Monday and swollen so he was able to see it slightly inflamed. We agreed to do ultrasounds on my elbows and then go back in 12 weeks, following that we'd look at getting another MRI done. Dr Khan was actually really lovely he said that if we needed to come back sooner than 12 weeks we could, if we need anything at all we just needed to ring the helpline.
On Thursday I rang the helpline. Throughout the week my knee had just got bigger and bigger and more and more painful. By Thursday I knew it had to be drained, this fluid was not going anywhere by itself. I got a call back from the answer phone message I'd left, the call consisted of we can't/won't help you as it may not be arthritis.
I've been under the care of them at the Rheumatology department for around 6 years. How after 6 years can I be left and what feels like chucked to the kerb. After 6 years of them potentially having my diagnosis wrong and them pumping me with all sorts of horrific drugs, I've just been cast aside.
It's now Monday the 2nd of May surprise surprise the swelling has not gone down by itself and my knee is still the side of my head. All week I've been in agony, all week I've been on crutches, all week I've not been able to do simple things like shower or make myself tea. Today my family are at the zoo but I'll stay at home, yesterday my family went to the beach but I stayed at home, Thursday I was meant to go to work but I stayed at home.
This has been exhausting, I went sixteen years of my life believing my body was healthy, I then went the last six years dealing with the fact that I have arthritis to now potentially not having having it at all. Forgetting my maybe misdiagnosis not being able to walk bluddy exhausting both mentally and physically.

Happiness

My boyfriend just asked me if I was okay to which I responded yeah I'm okay. I promised I wasn't lying and I wasn't.
I promised I wasn't because currently I'm flaring up with my knee. It's very swollen and very painful, so why am I okay when I am in a lot of pain, and I really am both okay and in a lot of pain.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last day or two because really it makes no sense. I won't lie there have been moments when I've been very angry and frustrated with it all but generally speaking I've been unnaturally happy, much happier than I probably should be, considering the pain I'm in. So why? Why am I so unbelievably happy?
The simple answer is my boyfriend.
He makes me happier than I could ever say or attempt to explain. He has literally changed my life. I was in this horrible rut, doing the same mundane things day in day out going along hating my job feeling really lost having just finished my degree, I was stuck.
He has somehow brought me out of a darkness that I didn't even know I was in, he's smashed my walls and changed me. The affect that another can have on your life is completely understated, it's amazing. I love him so much, he's got no idea how much or how much he means to me.
Despite the amount of pain I'm in right now I am happy.

Insecurities

I was thinking earlier about insecurities, those little things about yourself you don't like, be it about your appearance or a trait. What I find fascinating is what you personally notice and what other people notice. What I fixate about and truly hate other people haven't even noticed. It's so easy to go around day to day stuck in your own head, picking at every single thing you hate or worry about it. When you think about it logically it's absolutely ridiculous, considering other people don't care/notice the same things. It's interesting considering that nearly everyone has something that they'd change about themselves, how many other people actually even take notice of that same thing?